How to Tell Your Family That You Are Gay
Are you gay? Do you want to know how to come out to your family? Here are some suggestions for making as direct and painless as possible for all concerned.
- Determine who is likely to be the most supportive person in your family. Tell that person first. Ask them if you could meet when they can spare some time to talk about something important to you. When you meet, be direct - don't beat around the bush. Say it simply and without apology, and wait for their questions, etc. If this person is accepting, get them to help you come out to your whole family. If this person does not accept the news well, keep on going until you find a supportive family member.
- Choose the best time for you and your family. You will be the best judge of when the best time to tell each person is. You may want to tell everyone at a family gathering, or you may wish to take each family member, one at a time - your own personality, style, and family dynamic will determine the best way for you to share your news with the family.
- Have your supportive relative on hand. If you choose to make an announcement to come out, be sure that the relative you have already confided in is on hand to help cue the other family members to behave maturely. If you choose to tell some loved ones in a smaller, more private way, let your confidant know your plans so that he or she will be prepared to talk with the relatives you've just clued in.
- Be matter-of-fact and keep it simple. Maybe you've decided to make one announcement to the whole family. If so, don't make a huge deal of it because that implies that it is a huge deal - but the idea here is to get your family to deal with it the same way as they would deal with finding out that you wanted to change your major in college. You don't want to make a big, dramatic deal of it, because if you do, they will become more agitated than necessary. Say something simple like, "You've probably heard by now that I'm gay. This is my partner, and I hope you will all make him/her feel welcome."
- Speak clearly, don't joke or laugh. Whether you're telling the family as a group, or just one or two people at a time, the more confident and easy you are when you make your announcement, the easier your family will handle it. If you treat it like you are ashamed, they will be more likely to be ashamed of or for you. Just say it, keep it simple and to the point, and then just go about the business of hanging out at the party. You know. Like it was completely okay with you - because it should be.
- Allow time for them to process and assimilate your news. Some family members may accept your announcement with a shrug and smile, others may cry and ask if it's their fault. Whatever the reaction, remain calm and know that these things take time, and the calmer and more confident you appear, the less freaked out they will be. If someone tells you they are shocked, angry, disappointed in you, devastated, etc., tell them, "I wish you didn't feel that way, and I hope you'll wish the best for me, even if you don't agree with the way I need to live. I love you and I understand you may have some concerns or questions, and I'll be glad to talk with you about it any time."
- Repeat as necessary. There are some relatives who may willfully choose to ignore what you have told them, and continue to make remarks about you "Finding the right man," or having "a nice man friend whose son would be perfect for you," or "someday you'll get married and put all this nonsense behind you." Firmly but kindly remind them, "Auntie, I love you, and I want you to remember that I told you I'm already involved with someone? She is my partner and I won't be going on any dates with any men." When Auntie insists that the relationship won't last because it's not "normal", respond with, "Even if it doesn't last, Auntie, there won't be any dates with men. If, God forbid, our relationship doesn't make it, I'll be looking to date some other girl." If, despite your best efforts, your aunt continues to make this type of remark, it's best to simply avoid her, and if she asks why you never call or talk with her any more, just tell her, "I find it very difficult to have an authentic relationship, Auntie, because you haven't been able to come to terms with the fact that I'm a lesbian. I love you, but until you are able to accept me the way I am, and treat my partner with respect and dignity, we won't be seeing much of one another. I'm sorry about that, because I love and miss you, but I won't go back into the closet to help you feel more comfortable. This is my life and I want to live it honestly and with someone who I love and feel better with."
Posts
